The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
