walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
