Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
