The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
