Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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