did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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