She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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