i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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