White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
