i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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