Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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