I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize