Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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