There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
