I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize