So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
