I faked an abortion last night.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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