Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He passed out mid-signature
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
