Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
