It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
