umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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