3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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