chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
