My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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