I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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