Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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