i used baking grease as lip gloss
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
