First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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