surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We had sex on a dog bed..
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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