Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
