She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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