as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
