Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
