And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
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