I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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