If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
