FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
