The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
