We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
