so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
