Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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