Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
