It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish you could order shots online.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
