I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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