Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
