It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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