i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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