The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
