"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
