my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
