my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
