my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
