hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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