Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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