Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
