I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
