Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So apparently I’m into choking now
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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