This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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