just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
